


I Got Five on It

by urusai



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Gen Work, Marijuana, Not Canon Compliant, Recreational Drug Use, Stoner Ninjas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29614383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urusai/pseuds/urusai
Summary: grab your 40, let’s get keyed.team seven smokes in celebration of naruto’s engagement, and hijinks ensue.
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team Seven & Konoha 12
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	I Got Five on It

**Author's Note:**

> a big thank you to mrssakurahatake for excellent beta work! please go read her everything and leave her some love. 
> 
> thanks also to petrikore for the leaf blower line & sleepyfox for connecting me with a bunch of BAMFs in the server ❤️

Sakura lunged to strike, knowing she was leaving her flank open to Sasuke. If her kunai connected with Kakashi’s thigh, the hit would be worth it. The sparring had started unceremoniously and had carried on for an hour or more of all out destruction. The ground shook occasionally where it had settled from the fissures they’d created with tectonic blows. One of the three wooden posts near the tree line was cracked and bent over at a ninety degree angle, splinters akimbo.

Sasuke hadn’t been back long, and the Sixth Hokage didn’t have much free time, but they’d found themselves with time to kill. Naruto would be returning from vacation with Hinata to meet them for dinner, and Shikamaru had offered to tackle the stack of papers on Kakashi’s desk, so they’d shoved off. They had left the Hokage Residence and wandered to the training ground out of muscle memory more than anything else.

Sparring had been the obvious thing to do on the training ground, but both Kakashi and Sakura knew they would have done something more relaxing if Sasuke hadn’t started it. In fairness, Sasuke knew too, but he wouldn’t have admitted it sober.

“Has anything in Konoha changed?” Sasuke had asked, mostly rhetorically, as they trudged the familiar path to the training grounds. “A sleepy village of entitled leaf blowers collecting dust, like the world owes them their perfectly manicured lawns without them having to blow.”

“Surprisingly poetic, but wrong. The people of Konoha suffered gravely but built back their manicured lawns on their own. People died for this. We earned this peace,” Kakashi had said coolly.

Sakura had huffed. She could admit the scenery was similar, nearly the same as it had been before Pein’s attack, but the people had changed. Life had changed. War had hardened the village and its people, but peacetime made room for happy moments the way that weeding an overgrown garden made space for flowers to bloom. 

Even Sakura herself had changed, but Sasuke wouldn’t see that. Her first clue had been the genjutsu he had used against her to ensure she wouldn’t follow after him and Naruto. The idiots might still have their arms if he hadn’t been so obdurate. And here he was, one-armed and stubborn as ever, giving voice to his obvious misunderstanding. Years of judgment and vengeance still kept him from seeing Konoha as it was instead of what it had been. Sakura could see him so clearly, understood his misconceptions so viscerally, that she didn’t have the words to express her frustration.

Her fists would do the talking instead.

She had let her first strike loose the moment their feet had touched the familiar turf of training ground three. Her punch had connected solidly with Sasuke’s jaw, sending him skidding back in a cloud of dust. The two of them had exchanged early blows while Kakashi found a stopping point in his spine-creased, dog-eared book. He had tucked the volume away and watched them spar a few moments more, arms crossed, before shrugging and joining the fray.

Sakura’s blade met flesh with a satisfying squelch and pleasing resistance as jounin uniform, smooth flesh, and sinewy muscle gave way. Sakura basked in Kakashi’s hiss of pain for all of a heartbeat before Sasuke’s kick shattered her ribs. She and Kakashi shared a look of mutual understanding as Sakura caught Sasuke’s leg and held him at an unnatural angle for Kakashi to strike downward at the perfect point to break it. 

The three of them sunk into the dirt, panting and sweating and cursing their injuries. Sakura laid glowing green palms to her side to knit her ribs back together. Sasuke pressed gingerly on his busted, swollen kneecap as Kakashi wrenched Sakura’s kunai free. They mumbled, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” and, “shit,” as Sakura set about healing them, popping Sasuke’s shin back into place and closing the gash she’d made in Kakashi’s thigh.

Sakura fell back into the dirt after using most of her chakra to heal the three of them.

“You ok, Sakura?” Sasuke asked.

As if he cared. Sakura exhaled sharply and lifted her fingers to wave him off. 

“She’s fine, just give her a minute,” Kakashi said. “Nice kick there, the last bit.”

“A mistake,” Sasuke said, still rubbing at the phantom pains around his knee cap. “Your teamwork has improved.”

“The years pass,” Kakashi replied, as if it meant anything.

Sakura groaned and sat up, rubbing at her temples. “That hurt,” she said in a quiet voice. If she’d had a watch, she would have looked at it. She turned her gaze to the broken wooden post instead and judged by the position of its shadow that nearly an hour had passed since their brawl had started. 

“Naruto should be here by now,” Sasuke grumbled, still rubbing at his leg. 

“Speak of the devil,” Kakashi said, eyes on the horizon above the path leading to the village.

“And he shall appear, ya know!” Naruto called in response, waving and sprinting toward them.

“How was the honeymoon?” Sasuke asked. His voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Oh, Sasuke, we didn’t elope or anything. It was just a vacation, but I did propose,” Naruto said through labored breaths as he reached them. He stretched his arms up and took his hands behind his head, opening his chest.

“Congratulations!” Sakura cried, hopping up from the dusty ground and flinging herself at him. 

“Hey, Sakura, thanks,” Naruto said sheepishly as he patted her back.

“Congratulations, Naruto,” Kakashi said as he stood. He took a firm hand to Naruto’s shoulder over Sakura’s to give him a squeeze. “I couldn’t think of a more deserving man or more beautiful bride.”

“Hn,” was all Sasuke had to offer. He stood shakily, putting tentative weight on his recently-healed leg. Finding it stable, Sasuke strode over to the three of them. “Congrats or whatever,” he managed with a shrug. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“I know we’d planned to have dinner together, but a real celebration is in order,” Sakura said, beaming as she pulled away. She took her hands to Naruto’s cheeks and drew his forehead to hers.

“Thank you, Sakura chan,” Naruto replied warmly. He closed his eyes and accepted her gesture of affection.

It had only been a matter of months since Sakura’s now-infamous fake confession of feelings for him. They’d talked about it one night at camp during the war. Sakura explained how Sai had told her that Naruto’s feelings for her bound him to their ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ promise, how she’d felt guilty, and how she thought her confession would lead him to give up his search for Sasuke. Naruto had understood, in his way, and repeated what he’d said to her that day in the snow. He loved Sasuke. He would have continued to fight to bring him back even if Sakura had never asked for the promise.

Sakura hadn’t thought too deeply about the implications her confession would’ve had for Naruto and Hinata if Sai had been right, but she’d thought about it. The fact that the newly-engaged couple had managed to maintain their bond despite her unintentional potential sabotage and, you know, the whole world-ending war situation buoyed Sakura’s heart.

“There’s only one way to celebrate such an event properly,” Kakashi said, his visible eye taking in the tears forming in Sakura’s. 

“And that is?” Sasuke sounded genuinely curious.

Sakura wiped at her eyes as her lips turned up, knowing the answer and somehow even more thrilled for the evening with her boys.

“Get lit, ya know!” Naruto exclaimed, one fist close to his chest, the other thrust in the air.

“Bingo,” Kakashi agreed. “I’ll call Genma, have him meet us at Sasuke’s place.”

“Why mine?” Sasuke whined.

“Because it’s big, and no one’s around to give a shit if we smoke, idiot,” Naruto explained, as if to a child.

Sasuke sighed, outwardly resigned to his fate. Inwardly, Sasuke was glad he could offer something to the group, even if it was the ghost-town Uchiha compound. It felt good to be part of a team in which the membership wasn’t either terrified of him or otherwise overly deferential. Peers.

The group arrived at the gates of the Uchiha place in short order. Sasuke dispelled the wards barring their entrance. He led them into the genkan and waited for them to remove their shoes before leading the way into the living room of his old home.

Kakashi paced the floor, looking between crests hung on the walls and the tamaya behind the kotetsu.

Team Seven settled in under the blanket at the low table, and Sasuke flipped the heater on. The acrid scent of years of burning dust filled their nostrils as the heating element warmed to life.

“Any incense or scented candles around, Sasuke?” Sakura asked, wrinkling her nose.

Sasuke grunted and stood from the table to make his way to the altar Kakashi had been eyeing. He snapped his fingers to bring a small flame to their tips and ignited the incense still half-burnt in its ceremonial holder. 

“Genma’s outside,” Kakashi told them, looking up from his phone.

“The wards will allow you to pass to the gate to let _that guy_ in,” Sasuke replied in what he thought was an even, companionable tone. 

His old teammates recoiled at his disdain. Sakura wondered what “that guy” ever did to him.

Kakashi just shrugged and set off back to the gate, exiting the way they had entered. 

“What?” Sasuke said defensively in response to his teammates’ stares.

“Nothing,” Naruto said quickly.

“Absolutely nothing,” Sakura repeated. “So when’s the wedding?” She turned her attention to Naruto and leaned forward to rest her chin in her palm in his direction. She ignored Sasuke’s derisive sniff.

“Maybe next year,” Naruto ventured. “We haven’t thought that far yet, honestly. Just taking things as they come.”

“That’s wise,” Sakura said, as if she had ample experience with these sorts of things. “I’m just so happy for you two. Hinata didn’t want to join us tonight?”

“She said she didn’t want to witness whatever celebration Kakashi would have in mind. I don’t blame her, honestly. She doesn’t really like when I smoke, and she probably guessed what we’d get up to, ya know,” Naruto replied, rubbing the back of his neck as his face arranged itself into a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin. “Speaking of,” he continued, pulling his frog wallet from a pouch at his hip. “For the grass.” Naruto slapped fifty ryō atop the kotetsu.

“Oh, absolutely not. This is all on us tonight,” Sakura said, pushing his coins back to him. “Right, Sasuke?”

“Hn. Right,” mumbled Sasuke. He didn’t have a red cent on him, having been a missing nin until very recently.

The door slid open again for Kakashi and Genma to enter from the genkan. They slipped off their shoes into the pile already at the door before stepping up to make their way to the kotetsu. They slid in together to sit at the remaining, unoccupied side of the table.

“I hear congratulations are in order for the lucky fiancé,” Genma said, winking at Naruto. “I brought what you might call a smorgasbord of product: sativas, indicas, designer hybrids, edibles, oils, dabs—though I don’t see any pipes laying around. So I suppose the edibles and flower are what you’ll want. And don’t worry, I brought wraps.”

“Wraps?” Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

“Yea, Sauce. Rillos,” Genma replied, mirroring the action of smoking with his senbon.

“Rillos?” Sasuke’s brow knit.

“Cigarillos filled with tobacco? You empty them and roll your weed up in them. Keep some of the tobacco if you need a little nicotine or you find the weed’s too strong,” Genma explained with all the patience a slacker might afford the teacher’s pet. “Honestly, did Kakashi teach you anything?”

Sasuke opened his mouth to respond, but Kakashi cut in first.

“I never made a habit of smoking with my genin team. Undermines authority,” he said.

“They haven’t been genin for more than a decade. Lighten up, teach,” Genma gave Kakashi’s shoulder a playful punch.

“Sasuke has been away from Konoha as long,” Kakashi said evenly.

“ _We’ve_ smoked with him before, but Sasuke hasn’t,” Sakura clarified, gesturing between herself and Naruto.

Genma raised his hands, palms out, in a gesture of surrender. “True enough. My bad, I do enjoy a first timer. Forgive me, Sauce.”

Sasuke glared at Genma for the second use of the nickname. He had never really cared for the man, unserious as he was. 

“Did you bring any Headband?” Naruto asked eagerly.

“Ah, a connoisseur. I should have known you were the end user when our mutual friend asked me to track more down last month. I do have some here,” Genma said, setting out little plastic containers with screw tops on the table and sliding one toward the groom-to-be.

“Mutual friend?” Sakura looked between them, curious to know exactly whose pockets she’d been helping Naruto line since they were teens. 

“My weed guy, Sakura,” Naruto said, and quickly changed the subject. He reached for the container with HEADBAND printed on the label and unscrewed the top to breathe in the scent of its contents. “This is the stuff, Genma. Perfect. And the rillo flavors?”

“Purple or red?” Genma asked, drawing two packs of Swishers from his jōnin vest.

“Purple is not a flavor,” Sasuke mumbled. 

“It’s grape, but not like actual grapes? Like grape flavor. Purple,” Genma said, sliding the pack toward him.

“I wouldn’t know what to do with these,” Sasuke said, handing the pack to Sakura.

She accepted it and slid a fingernail under the plastic, opened the box, and drew one out. “Waste bin?” Sakura asked him before starting to lick, slowly, up the side of the Swisher. She made a point of sticking her tongue out more than was strictly necessary and maintaining eye contact with Sasuke.

“I got it,” Kakashi said. He stood to fetch the bin from near the family altar and set it at Sakura’s side.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Sasuke stared at her blankly. Not that he was interested, he thought to himself, but the way she had held his gaze as she had done it was more than suggestive. She had done it on purpose.

“I’m rolling a blunt,” Sakura said patiently, turning her eyes to the Swisher as she drew a neatly manicured nail down the center of the line she’d licked. The rillo paper split easily, and Sakura emptied the contents into the trash. “You gonna break that down, Naruto?” She nodded to the container marked HEADBAND and slid the empty paper across the table to him. 

Naruto gave her an excited nod and got to work pulling stems from leaves, dropping the chaff back into the container, and breaking down the leaves before laying them to rest in the curve of the rillo paper.

“What do we owe you?” Kakshi asked Genma. 

“650 ryō for the eighth, 45 for the swishers. But there’s cause for celebration tonight, and you’re gonna smoke me out on this first one, so I’ll throw those in free. With the friends and family discount, that’s a smooth 600 ryō, my dude,” Genma said counting off on his fingers and swirling his senbon from one side of his mouth to the other as if he were doing some strenuous calculation.

“That’s 200 each,” Sakura said, reaching for her wallet.

Sasuke cleared his throat, drawing Kakashi’s eye.

“Here’s 400 for me and Sasuke,” Kakashi said, handing the cash over to Genma. He knew perfectly well what Sasuke didn’t have in his pockets, having accepted custody of him from the prison.

Sakura handed over her coins as well. She thought better of commenting on Sasuke’s indigence and Kakashi’s unusual generosity.

“Thank you kindly,” Genma said, smiling as he pocketed the ryō. “Are blunts always teamwork with you two?” He cocked his head and glanced between Sakura and Naruto.

“I’m quick to break it down,” Naruto said seriously. “She’s got the touch to roll it up.” 

“Never too tight, goldilocks blunts,” Kakashi agreed.

Sakura blushed a little and kept her eyes on Naruto’s hands as he worked. 

“That’s a rare talent,” Genma praised her. “I’m honored, Sakura.”

“One of my many talents,” she said with faux hubris.

Naruto brushed his fingers off over the wrap and slid it to her over the table.

Sakura felt her nerves flutter with all eyes on her. “Music? It’s deathly quiet in here,” she requested, immediately regretting her choice of words.

Sasuke got up and wandered over to a console next to the tamaya. “Naruto, take the aux cord,” he called over his shoulder, holding a cord up behind him as he pressed dusty buttons that woke the stereo from its slumber. Naruto hopped up with his phone and plugged in. Sakura was thankful for the room’s attention to shift to his taste in music as she lifted the paper to roll it closed.

“It’s my weed playlist. Curren$y is my shit right now,” Naruto said as the rapper’s voice filled the room.

Kakashi sighed and looked over to commiserate in Genma’s general direction. “We can feel old together.”

“Any interest in pop music? I’m into Ariana Grande these days,” Genma said without acknowledging Kakashi’s ‘old’ statement. “What? It’s the ponytail and the peplums,” Genma defended against Sakura’s concerned look.

“How do you even know what a peplum is?” Sakura asked. She gave him a quizzical look over the almost-blunt. She licked the underside of the outside edge of the paper as she slid it closed over tiny, gentle tucks with her thumbnail that pushed the inside edge a smidge tighter under the outside edge.

“A peplum is like a tiny skirt, just under the bust, that accentuates a small waist, if you must know,” he answered defiantly.

“Yes, that’s what it is. I asked _how_ you know. If I were a more suspicious person, I might guess you’ve been spending a lot of time with another peplumed, ponytailed, pop-star looking person,” Sakura said, holding her hand out expectantly for a lighter.

“Ino teaches me a lot of things,” Genma admitted and handed a lighter over.

“I didn’t say anything about Ino.” Sakura winked at him as she licked over the outside edge and held the blunt up over the lighter, aflame, to seal it shut. 

“I’m sure she’s on this playlist too, Ariana. What? I like her.” Naruto shrugged at Sakura’s disapproval.

Sakura finished her handiwork then handed the lighter and blunt over to Naruto. “For the man of the hour. Something to ash in?” She looked expectantly at Sasuke again.

“I’ll use the cap, if that’s alright with you,” Naruto said, gesturing to the screw top lid of the plastic container Genma had brought the Headband in. Sakura and Kakashi nodded their assent.

Sasuke bristled a touch, having been ignored for the second time when Sakura directed a question his way.

Naruto lit the end of the blunt and took a long, slow drag. He set the lighter down in the center of the table before taking another deep pull. A sharp, floral-and-gasoline scent filled the room. Sasuke hopped up to crack the window.

“Where are you going, dummy?” Naruto croaked over the smoke. “You’re next on the left hand side.”

Sasuke accepted the blunt as he returned to the kotetsu and slid under the blanket. He took a tentative puff, then another, and immediately fell into a coughing fit.

“I’ll get us some water,” Kakashi said, standing up and making his way purposefully toward the doorway to the hall.

“Down the hall to the right,” Sasuke managed between coughs.

“I got it,” Kakashi called back to him.

Sasuke realized dimly that Kakashi probably knew his way around the Uchiha compound from his genin days with Obito. He nodded as his former sensei started down the hall.

Sasuke waved a hand in front of his face and passed the blunt to Sakura, who accepted it graciously. She took two slow pulls. On the second, she framed her lips into an O and blew smoke rings before handing the grass to Genma.

“Okay, OG,” Genma said appreciatively. “Let’s see how epic those rolling skills are.” He lifted the blunt to his lips and closed his eyes as he toked. Exhaling slowly, Genma fixed Sakura with a squint. “Oh, sweet Sakura, you have magic in your fingers. Now watch a pro with the Os,” he said slyly.

Genma took another slow drag, his chest swelling with the deep inhale. He opened his mouth in the same round shape Sakura had used, exhaling in soft _ah, ah, ahs_ as one tiny ring after another floated toward the ceiling, wobbling before losing shape. “Now this is a weed song,” Genma croaked in response to the classic up next on Naruto’s playlist.

_Beating my chest like King Kong_  
_It's on wrap my lips around a 40_  
_And when it comes to getting another stogie fools all kick in like Shinobi_

“Fuck, you got him blowing smoke rings?” Kakashi shook his head as he approached, three glasses of water balanced between his fingers. “He’ll get so high he won’t stay for just one.” Kakashi set the waters on top of the kotetsu and slid back in next to Genma, who passed him the blunt.

Sasuke grabbed for a glass and tipped it back. The other three stared intently at Kakashi, waiting for him to lift the mask. 

“ _I got five on it. Grab your forty, let’s get keyed_ ,” Kakashi sang along like an old head, as if he didn’t notice them watching him.

Sasuke sputtered and coughed again, apparently inhaling the water down into his lungs mid-cough. Sakura patted his back gently and handed him a tissue from the pack at her hip. “Thanks,” Sasuke rasped as he found his voice.

Sakura, Naruto, and Genma turned their attention back to Kakashi in time to watch a cloud of smoke clear from around his head to reveal his mask, still intact. Kakashi passed the blunt back to Naruto.

“You act like we haven’t been through this before,” Kakashi said to them, his head tilting back and his arms crossed over his chest as a familiar feeling washed over his limbs and settled across his forehead.

“Can’t blame us for being curious,” Naruto said after he breathed in, croaking the words out over small mouthfuls of smoke. Sasuke refused the pass, holding up a hand and his glass of water. Naruto reached across the table to make the hand off to Sakura.

She took the blunt from him and puffed two small puffs off the end before handing the roach over to Genma. “Not much left. You got enough fingernail for it?”

“Why don’t you help me out, goldilocks?” Genma’s smile was almost predatory.

To her credit, Sakura only rolled her eyes in response. She adjusted the roach between the nails of her thumb and index finger before holding the smoking end up to Genma’s mouth. Sakura looked over at Kakashi with the kind of look that said _I don’t understand why you’re even friends_ as Genma leaned forward to wrap his lips around the end of the smoke, just touching the tips of her fingers.

When he finished, Sakura quickly tossed the roach into the makeshift ashtray, shaking her hand and infusing her fingertips with green glowing chakra to heal the minor burns and burn the scent from her fingers.

“You can’t blame me, Sakura,” Genma said, smiling again as he reached for a water. “At least I didn’t ask you to shotgun it for me.” He raised his eyebrows over the edge of the glass as he knocked it back. When he set the glass down on the table, Genma’s eyes lit up. “Oh! This is my song! _Can you stay up all night? Fuck me til—_ “

“Okay, Team Seven,” Kakashi leaned forward over the table, effectively boxing Genma out. “What’s the plan for food?”

“You know what Naruto wants. Any requests, Sasuke? Otherwise it’s Ichiraku. Again,” Sakura whined, giving him a pleading look with puppy dog eyes.

Sasuke shrugged and took another sip of his water. Sakura squinted at him. She couldn’t tell if he was high or just cowed by his coughing fit. Either way, she liked Sasuke after he smoked.

Genma shoved up his sleeve and looked at his bare wrist. “Would you look at the time! I’ve got another engagement this evening, so I’ll leave you all to your munchies,” he said, scooping up the smorgasbord he’d set out on the kotetsu top.

“Tell Ino I said hi,” Sakura sing-songed. “Don’t keep her up all night. She’s covering my shift at the children’s clinic tomorrow.”

Genma bit down on his senbon. “No promises, love. This is our song.”

Team Seven collectively rolled their eyes and said their thanks and goodbyes. 

“Ichiraku it is,” Kakashi decided for them.

Naruto wiggled a little on his zabuton before hopping up, excitement barely contained.

“Some things never change,” sighed Sasuke. He got up to close the window as Naruto pulled his phone from the aux cord and flipped off the stereo. Sasuke snuffed out the incense as Kakashi turned off the heater at the table and ushered his former students out the door.

Sakura basked in the nostalgia and pleasant pressure at her temples as they walked to the ramen stand. The sun was setting, casting a rosy glow over the village, its waning light warming her against the chill settling in. 

Naruto was exuberant, skipping and dancing a few steps ahead, making up a nonsensical song as he went. “I got down on one kneeeee! I asked my babyyyyy to always be with meeee. We’re gettin’ marrieeeeed!”

Sasuke hissed another sigh and rolled his eyes. _Channeling wet cat per usual_ , Sakura thought. 

Kakashi brought up the rear, his nose in his well-worn _Icha Icha_. “If that doesn’t warm your heart, not much will, Sasuke,” he said, peering over the paperback.

“So put upon. You’d think we were keeping him against his will.” Sakura gave Sasuke’s shoulder a playful shove and earned herself a glare.

Kakashi winced. Sasuke was out of prison, but Kakashi still had several diplomatic favors to trade and arrangements to make before Sasuke was out from under official supervision. Even then, Sasuke was unlikely to walk free from his youthful transgressions without some form of servitude, no matter how sympathetic his reasoning was for his defection. Kakashi felt for the kid, and quickly changed the subject. “What are the odds Teuchi and Ayame will give us the meal on the house for the special occasion?”

“Depends. If Naruto doesn’t push his luck on extra narutomaki and if you flash a bit of cheek, we might tug at Ayame’s heartstrings enough to make it out without a bill,” Sakura called back over her shoulder to him. 

“I hear it’s a full moon tonight,” Kakashi cracked.

Sakura let out a loud, fake, “HA,” and shot a disapproving look behind her. “The _face_ kind of cheek. I should have known I set you up to make an ass joke. Perv.”

Sasuke’s lip curled up just slightly, and Sakura gave his shoulder another push. “Don't encourage him!”

“He can’t even see my face from back there,” Sasuke defended, rubbing his arm.

“It’s the principle of the thing.”

“Teuchi! Ayame! I have exciting news!” Naruto shouted as he jogged the remaining distance to Ichiraku.

“You’re hiring us on as private chefs? I knew it was only a matter of time!” Teuchi laughed, tossing a kitchen towel over one shoulder.

“No, pops, he’s hanging up his forehead protector and taking over in the kitchen so you can retire!” Ayame joined in as she gathered up four menus and set them on the bar.

“You’re both wrong, but points for imagination. I’m getting married! Hinata said yes today,” Naruto said, sidling onto a barstool with his teammates and Kakashi not far behind. “It’s a celebration!”

“Ah! Congratulations! The usual with double narutomaki?” Ayame suggested.

“Triple!” Naruto exclaimed.

“Extra face cheek. Our only hope,” whispered Sakura to Kakashi, much louder and less discreetly than she had intended.

Kakashi dipped a finger below the mask at the apple of his cheek as if he were scratching. “Hey, what’s the special today, Ayame?”

Sasuke gave Sakura a dirty look that said, _real smooth_ , before feigning extreme interest in the menu. 

“Udon with sesame dipping sauce,” Ayame said. Concern washed over her features. “Is everything ok? Do you have a rash, Hatake san?”

Kakashi realized he was scratching too forcefully and gave up the ghost. “Quite alright. New detergent,” he explained.

“Udon for you then?”

“Please.”

Sakura piped up, “The usual for me, no upgrades.”

“Of course. And you, Uchiha san?”

“Special for me too, please,” Sasuke replied, handing over his menu.

Ayame gathered up the other, untouched menus and gave them a respectful nod. “Two specials, two usuals, one with triple narutomaki, coming right up! Got that, pops?”

Teuchi waved from the kitchen. “Triple narutomaki for the groom! Got it.”

“Any other ideas, since that one went so well?” Sasuke asked, his dark eyes lingering over Kakashi and Sakura.

“A scheme? Without me?” An indignant Naruto turned to them too.

“Never,” Kakashi said, “Only this one is _for_ you. Nothing to worry about.”

“Exactly. Absolutely no scheming here,” Sakura replied, thinking she was helping.

“That’s not what sensei just said…”

“Sensei who? I haven’t been your sensei for years now,” Kakash’s eyes creased, deflecting the scheme discussion.

“You’ll always be sensei to me, sensei,” Naruto countered, his voice saccharine.

“Two usuals,” Ayame called as she emerged from the kitchen balancing four bowls atop a serving tray . “One with triple narutomaki,” she added, setting the bowls before Naruto and Sakura. “And two specials,” she said, serving Sasuke and Kakashi.

Naruto didn’t wait for the specials to hit the bar before digging into his usual.

None of them spoke as they demolished their meals. Even Sasuke, who was notoriously finicky about food, ate like his life depended on it. Sakura wondered idly if he really was high from the small puffs he’d coughed up as she ate all the meat, veg, and noodles from her bowl. When she finished eating the contents, Naruto was already slurping the dregs of broth from his bowl, and she followed suit.

Kakashi was reading his book, empty bowl on the counter, when they set their bowls to the side. Sasuke was still taking his time, gently dipping his noodles into the sauce and chewing each bite thoughtfully, as if he were savoring the flavor.

“Kakashi-sensei, how is it we never catch you eating? Do you eat through the mask?” Naruto stared at him, bewildered.

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” he quipped.

The three of them turned their attention to Sasuke, still eating and practically humming, making small mmm and yum noises as he ate. They continued staring a full minute or more until Sasuke finally finished and looked up.

“What? It was delicious,” Sasuke said, his usual demeanor settling back in. “You get me high as fuck and expect me not to enjoy a meal? I hate all of you.”

“High as fuck from two half-inhales?” Sakura asked, incredulous.

“His first two half-inhales at that,” Kakashi added.

“Lay off, you two. If Sasuke says he’s high AF, he’s high AF. Let him enjoy the ride,” Naruto said, dude abiding energy rolling off of him in waves.

“What’s next then, Naruto?” Sakura rolled her eyes and changed the subject.

“Hmm… I suppose we could go out drinking. Or better yet, drinking and scheming,” he suggested.

“What are we in for?” Kakashi asked with a long-suffering sigh.

“Well, Hinata told me that Teams Eight and Ten are headed out this evening. We could meet up with them at The Tipsy Ushi and find ways to mess with them,” Naruto said, eyes flashing.

“I bet Chouji has snacks,” Sasuke said, rubbing his palms together.

“Seriously, who are you? Birdman?” Sakura’s brow knit.

“I’m stoned, Sakura,” he said smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I like where your head’s at, Sasuke,” Naruto beamed. “Now who’s picking up the tab? I’m sure this is your treat, you three.”

Sakura and Kakashi exchanged looks. Kakashi stood halfway to lift his rear from the barstool and waved Ayame over.

“What do we owe you, Ayame?” Kakashi asked when she hurried to the counter. He didn’t wait for an answer before picking up his water and lifting the bottom of his mask, his head turned so Ayame would get an eye full of his chin as he drank.

“I—I, um, well, I think—I think Naruto’s is on the house tonight! So two specials and a usual brings you to 300 ryō,” Ayame sputtered, her cheeks growing redder by the second as she marked up the order note that doubled as their bill. Dropping the bill on the table with a handful of mints, Ayame fled back into the kitchen.

Naruto waved and shouted thanks to her and Teuchi as she scurried away.

Sasuke scowled at Sakura and Kakashi. “Are you two always this cheap?”

“Only when we’re picking up the tab for a penniless grifter,” Sakura replied, taking the cheap shot.

Cheerless, Sasuke reached for a mint and crushed it between his teeth with a loud crack.

“So this was the scheme all along,” Naruto realized, his eyes narrowing to slits. “I want in on the next plot. No holding out on me, you lot.”

Sakura reached for her wallet. She pulled out half the required bills and set them on the counter before looking at Kakashi expectantly. She arched an eyebrow, daring him to try to saddle her with the full bill.

Kakashi huffed and reached for his wallet too. He drew out the remainder of the bill plus a generous gratuity and placed it atop Sakura’s stack. “More than settled,” he remarked. With his coin and his dignity, he thought to himself.

“Snack time! We can plot to steal Chouji’s chips,” Sasuke piped up, his ire forgotten as soon as he swallowed the crushed peppermint fragments. He led the way from Ichiraku to the bar, the other three falling into step behind him. 

“Now that’s a plot! I’m in,” Naruto cheered as he skipped ahead and spun around to raise a hand in invitation for a high five. “Come on, Sauce, don’t leave me hanging.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the nickname. “Please don’t let that name catch on,” he groaned, ignoring the hand Naruto held aloft.

“Sauce isn’t so bad,” Sakura noted. “At least it isn’t dickless.”

Naruto’s face dropped at the mention of Sai’s pet name. Sasuke gave her a begrudging shrug and brightened a hair at Naruto’s displeasure.

“Who’s dickless now, huh? Sai doesn’t have a fiancée,” Kakashi soothed. 

“He sure doesn’t. I’ll be sure to rub it in next time I see him,” Naruto agreed, perking up.

“What’s the strategy for Chouji’s chips?” Sasuke asked. “We need a plan.”

“He’s right,” Naruto said with seriousness he hadn’t employed since the war. “He keeps the snacks close to the vest, quite literally. We’re going to have to get him to take it off.”

Naruto and Sasuke slowly turned to Sakura. Creepy smiles spread across their faces. 

“No. Absolutely not,” Sakura answered before being asked.

“Sakura chan, we need your help,” Sasuke pleaded. “Do it for the snacks. Do it for Naruto!”

“Yes, do it for me! It’s my celebration,” Naruto whined.

Kakashi pulled out his book and busied himself reading as Sakura looked up at him with big doe eyes. “You’re on your own, Sakura,” he muttered from behind the book.

Sakura couldn’t be sure, what with the book and the mask in the way, but she thought he was grinning at her misery.

“Look, can’t you two just find the thermostat and turn the heat up or something? I am not seducing Chouji out of his vest,” Sakura hissed.

“Hey, we didn’t say anything about _seduction_ ,” Sasuke pointed out the technicality. “That's your inference. But the idea isn’t half bad!”

“You are high if you think that’s gonna work on me,” Sakura said, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“We _are_ high,” Nartuo conceded. He and Sasuke exchanged knowing looks and shrugged.

“Look, I’ll do what I can to help, but no promises,” Sakura said. “The task is weird enough, even weirder considering the company.”

“OoOOoOoooh,” Naruto howled. “Sakura’s got the hots for someone on Team Eight or Ten!”

“Do tell, Sakura,” Sasuke prodded.

“Not happening,” Sakura seethed. She thought she could hear Kakashi chuckle, but she couldn’t be sure with Naruto singing _Sakura and Shikamaru, sittin’ in a tree_ on repeat. He replaced the second name with a different male member of Team Eight or Ten each time through.

“Cut it out, Naruto,” Kakashi said as he reached for the door of the Tipsy Ushi. “You’ll blow her cover.”

Team Seven filed inside. Sakura glared daggers at their former sensei as she entered.

Ino was the first to spot them. “The man of the hour has arrived!” she announced, draping herself over Naruto as he sidled up next to Hinata and accepted her kiss on his cheek. 

Sakura noticed Genma sitting at the other end of the bar and gave him a little wave. Genma shrugged and waved back as Kakashi took the seat next to him, nose still in his book.

“Congratulations, Naruto,” Kiba cheered, raising his beer from his barstool between Hinata and Shino.

“Make sure we don’t make you regret this,” Shino added, his monotone conveying more menace than levity.

Naruto went pale before quickly covering his naked fear with a nervous laugh. Hinata blushed.

“Don’t make me make you regret making him regret anything,” Sasuke said low over Naruto’s shoulder.

“Enough threats,” Shikamaru cut in, leaning back for his voice to carry over to the couple’s angsty teammates. “This is cause for celebration. What are you having, Team Seven? Tab’s open. My treat.”

Sakura thanked him and slid up to the bar between him and Chouji to order. 

“The panther is on the prowl,” Naruto attempted to whisper to Sasuke, who nodded vigorously. The whisper was more like a full-throated growl.

“W-what are you two plotting?” Hinata asked, still blushing, as she brushed Naruto’s hair from his eyes. “You smell like weed.”

Naruto launched into a guilty explanation of his scent. How he’d not partaken, exactly, but he had been in the room when everyone else had and was experiencing a contact high.

Sakura rolled her eyes at them and asked the bartender for four draughts.

Kakashi sat quietly on the other side of Chouji, next to Genma, perfectly content to be ignored, reading his smut. He didn’t even look up when Sakura slid his mug of beer down to him, just reaching up to stop the slide and set the mug on a coaster. Genma talked to him about something, occasionally earning a thoughtful hum or polite word. 

Shino and Kiba shoved off for a game of pool, leaving Hinata to judge the merits of her fiancé’s excuses for the weed smell. Ino peeled herself from Naruto to engage Sasuke in conversation. Sakura smiled into her drink as she watched his cheeks flush when Ino whispered into his ear.

“So,” Sakura started, fixing Shikamaru and Chouji with a companionable expression, “I see Ino’s in her cups. How long have you all been at it?”

Shikamaru sighed, as if drinking were the most exasperating way to spend an evening. “Maybe two hours. Ino would be on her sixth, but we’ve been hiding it from her.”

Chouji raised the second mug that was sweating onto the coaster next to his and waggled his eyebrows. 

Sakura laughed too loudly and laid a flat palm to his jounin vest, trying to get a feel for the contents of its pockets. She drew her hand away quickly and flushed, taking a big gulp of her beer, when nothing crinkled but Chouji’s eyes in a smile.

Shikamaru looked her over, appraising. “Are you alright, Sakura? I heard you four met up with Genma earlier.”

“Yes! Fine,” she faked a laugh. “We had dinner after, and I imagine Genma came here. Has Ino even spoken to him? He mentioned he was meeting her, in so many words. She’s covering my shift tomorrow, so I’m a little worried…”

“She was sucking his face up to the moment you walked in,” Shikamaru said with a grimace. “Hence the beer hiding.”

As if on cue, Ino reached around Shikamaru to grasp at Chouji’s beer.

“Hey, that’s not yours, Ino,” Chouji scolded. “You drank yours already. Tab’s closed. You’re done for tonight, love. Why don’t you let Gemma take you home?”

Ino pouted from behind her fringe as she stalked over to Chouji, fists balled at her sides. Chouji wrapped her in a bear hug and pulled her to him as alligator tears welled up in her eyes. 

Sakura knew Ino had a flair for the dramatic, but she hadn’t seen her in such rare form in quite some time. “Hold her still,” Sakura mouthed to Chouji. He nodded, keeping Ino close, and waited for Sakura to press glowing palms to Ino’s low back and temple. Chouji made soft shushing sounds and gently rubbed Ino’s back.

Shikamaru watched with interest as Ino’s shoulders relaxed and her head dipped to Chouji’s chest. “Please hold,” Shikamaru called over to Genma beyond Chouji at the end of the bar. “This evening’s model is defective, but Sakura is fixing her for you.” 

Genma perked up and dropped a few coins on the bar top with parting words to Kakashi, who waved him away.

Sakura bit her lip in concentration as the green glow around her hands flickered. “I’m afraid that’s all I have left in me today,” she lamented. “She’ll probably have to sleep it off, but you should be able to get her home. You won’t be keeping her up all night, but I tried.”

Genma nodded appreciatively. A drowsy Ino smiled up at him as he slid an arm around her waist and peeled her off of a thankful Chouji. “I’ll take it from here, team,” Gemma said. “Thanks, doc. Gentlemen.”

The three of them watched as Genma shuffled her toward the door. Ino all but went limp before he cursed, threw her over his shoulder, and body flickered out of the bar. 

“A match made in fucking hell,” Shikamaru remarked, turning his attention back to his beer.

Chouji mocked outrage and gave him a good-natured chuckle. “They’re good for each other. Especially when they’re at their worst.”

“She has him listening to Ariana Grande,” Sakura reported, giggling into her glass.

“Better him than us,” Shikamaru breathed.

“Hey, is it hot in here?” Sakura asked, pulling at her collar for effect. She noticed Naruto and Sasuke peering over at her and whispering to Hinata, who also looked, none too subtly. Sakura would give this plot the old college try, but she imagined she’d have better luck asking directly.

“I don’t think so,” Chouji said, leaning back from the bar to get a better feel for the room. “You did just exert more than a little chakra. I’ll get you some water.” 

Sakura blanched, feeling suddenly guilty trying to take advantage of the gentle giant as he flagged down the bartender and asked for ice water. “And pub pretzels,” Sakura added, “with that gross cheese stuff.”

The bartender nodded and set off after their order. 

“I have a confession,” Sakura admitted. Shikamaru and Chouji shifted in their seats and looked at her expectantly.

“I’m not that hot. Temperature wise, I mean, I’m fine. Naruto and Sasuke have me in on a plot to steal your chips from your vest pockets, Chouji. You’re so sweet, I had to come clean.” Sakura shifted from foot to foot and looked up at him with guilty eyes.

“Hey, no worries, Sakura. You’re not the first group of stoners with the munchies to plot after my snacks. I brought extra this evening. You can have them, for the sake of the plot, but I’ll want something in exchange.” Chouji gave her another suggestive waggle of his brow and leaned back as he reached into his vest.

Sakura saw Sasuke and Naruto lean forward, straining to listen in over the crack of the billiards table and din of the bar around them. “Please ask for something I won’t regret,” Sakura sighed. Looking the other direction, she caught Kakashi’s eye for just a moment before he once again became very interested in his book.

“One kiss on the cheek, and the crisps are yours,” Chouji said with a smile as he brandished the plastic bag.

Sakura rolled her eyes, planted a wet one on his cheek, and snatched the bounty from his grip.

“Hn. You should have asked for a blow job or at least a handy,” Shikamaru remarked.

Sakura rolled her eyes again and gave Shikamaru a none-too-gentle punch in the shoulder before dutifully tossing the bag of chips at Naruto and Sasuke, who cheered, all dignity forgotten. “You’re welcome, boys. Pub pretzels are coming,” Sakura counseled, her frustration evident.

Hinata turned to her as the boys tore into the chips and mouthed, “Thank you.” Her shaky hands met in prayer, and she bowed her head.

Sakura gave her a cheeky salute before knocking back the rest of her beer. “Ino won’t be drinking that one,” Sakura said, nodding to the second mug in front of Chouji. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” Chouji replied, sliding the mug toward her. “Wouldn’t want a perfectly good brew to go to waste.”

Sakura tapped the mug to Chouji’s and took a grateful sip.

“Up for another toke?” Shikamaru asked as Sakura thanked Chouji for Ino’s mug. He drew a joint from his vest pocket and finished his beer as he stood from the bar.

“I’ll keep your seats warm and drinks unmolested,” Chouji offered.

“A true gentleman, Chouji. I won’t say no,” Sakura answered, her gaze flicking to Kakashi on Chouji’s other side.

“Oi! Boss!” Shikamaru shouted across the bar. “Let’s blaze, hn?”

“Hn,” Kakashi agreed, tucking his book back into his vest. He stood to follow Shikamaru and Sakura outside.

Shikamaru flicked his lighter three or four times before lighting the joint outside under the Tipsy Ushi sign. He held the slim digit to his lips and inhaled as the flame did its work at the joint’s opposite end.

Shikamaru breathed in before closing the lighter and stashing it in his pocket. “Naruto’s favorite,” Shikamaru said, passing Sakura the Headband.

She took it with a quizzical look before taking a shallow puff. “What do you know about Naruto’s favorite strain?” Sakura asked, a thin cloud of smoke enveloping her head as she spoke. She handed the joint off to Kakashi.

“Headband, the red headed stepchild of OG Kush and Sour Diesel. Genma’s got a direct connection to the green thumb behind the best variant of the strain,” Shikamaru said, thanking Kakashi as he passed the joint back. The genius took two quick pulls before handing the smoke off to Sakura.

“The best variant?” Sakura asked, then inhaled.

“You’re smoking it,” Shikamaru informed her. “What do you think?”

“Same stuff we got from Genma earlier, I suppose. It’s nice. Warm,” Sakura noted, handing what was left to Kakashi.

“Warm indeed. Really settles right over the temples. People go out of their way to ask for it,” Shikamaru said, turning to head back inside as Kakashi dropped the remaining paper and stubbed it out on the street.

Sakura narrowed her eyes, “Are you the dealer Naruto’s been seeing all this time?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Shikamaru teased, eyes sparkling.

That was definitely a yes.

The trio found Sasuke, Naruto, and Hinata gorging themselves on pub pretzels while Chouji kept watch over their beers, seats, and Sakura’s water.

Mouth dry, Sakura was grateful for the ice water. She knocked back half the glass before moseying over to risk her fingers in the feeding frenzy happening over the pretzels. “I would never eat this cheese substance sober,” she remarked, dipping one of the last two pretzels into the sauce.

“I think that’s it for us,” Chouji said, leaving coins on the bar for their last round. “Congrats again, Hinata, Naruto.”

“Thanks for the chips, Chouji. And the smoke, Shikamaru,” Sakura said as she waved goodbye.

Kakashi slipped into the seat Chouji had vacated next to Sakura, who was now perched on Shikamaru’s empty stool. “We could shove off too, you know,” he suggested, voice barely above a whisper. 

Sakura heard him, but didn’t her recognition show. “Let’s make sure they get home first.”

“Sakura?” Sasuke and Naruto were staring at her now.

“What?”

“We asked what kind of medical professional refuses to eat artificial cheese sober but gladly partakes after a drink or two,” Sasuke repeated for her.

“A tired one,” Sakura replied. “Are you lot ready to head home? We’ll walk you. Looks like Shino and Kiba disappeared a while ago.”

“Yes, p-please,” Hinata said, cheeks pink as she reached for the last pretzel and ate it sans cheese substance.

Sakura flagged down the bartender to settle up for the pub pretzels and the round. She was shocked when Kakashi reached for the tab.

“You earned it with the Chouji plot,” he said quietly with a shrug as he caught her eye. “Let’s go, kids,” he summoned, louder.

Kakashi started for the door, Team Seven and Hinata trailing behind. Sakura hung back at the rear, hoping to hide the stupid grin on her face from Naruto and Sasuke. They were likely sauced, pun intended, beyond the ability to notice, but she was extra wary of their detecting the emotion in her blush. 

Hinata’s place was the first stop, then Sasuke’s. Naruto and Sakura waited at the gate of the Uchiha compound for Kakashi to place wards that would ensure Sasuke stayed put. Kakashi returned minutes later, and the three of them set off toward Naruto’s place, but not without complaint.

“Sakura’s place is closer,” Naruto whined.

“But her place is on _my_ way home, so you’re getting dropped off first,” Kakashi countered, though the explanation was thin. “As the most sober, I’d prefer to walk only the shortest route unaccompanied, thank you very much.”

“But you’re the infamous copy ninja! Why do _I_ have to walk farther for your comfort?” Naruto wailed. 

“Naruto, walking to mine first would be a longer walk for you,” Sakura sighed. “Not that you’re coherent enough to really tell the difference.”

“I can tell the difference, which is why we are going to _my_ house first,” Naruto protested, completely switching argumentative positions. The look on his face said he did not catch his own inconsistency.

Sakura and Kakashi exchanged looks and smiles and kept walking.

“Here you are,” Sakura called as he trudged one reluctant foot after another behind her to his own door. “Where are your keys, Naruto?”

Naruto had no words left, but Kakashi easily fished his keys from a pocket and unlocked his front door. He laid Naruto on his futon and returned to the front door before turning the soft lock and pulling the door shut behind him. Sakura walked up to draw the deadbolt shut with her chakra, smiling up at Kakashi as she did so.

**Author's Note:**

> if you had fun, leave me a 🌲! thank you for reading 🤗


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